TGC Remix: When God Sends Your Black Daughter a White Husband

The Gospel Coalition is a place where I usually find very solid content. I've shared many of their articles on social media, and pointed people there for resources on difficult topics. In fact, there have been several articles where they have "pushed the envelope" on their mostly-reformed Christian audience, especially on topics of Women's roles in the church and Race. 

And then, yesterday. 

Yesterday, they posted an article by Gaye Clark titled, "When God Sends Your White Daughter a Black Husband." 

As a 30-something white woman in an interracial marriage, who has loved so much of what TGC has shared before, I was hopeful. I was hopeful for an empathetic, relatable narrative of how a white mother had her eyes opened to her own privilege and intrinsic biases, how she repented of her sin of perpetuating prejudice even passively, and how her view of God's Image Bearers has been changed to be more true to God's vision. How her passions, goals, opinions, maybe even politics have changed and grown since she was kicked out of her white bubble. How God revealed her sin and helped her move toward Christian maturity. How she saw that only the power of the Gospel can overcome our sin of racial division. I don't know, really any of these things would have been great. 

Instead, I read an article that was fully, blindly entrenched in White Privilege, that at times dehumanized blackness, and that left white people with the suggestion of nothing more than, "Hey, maybe you should think about changing some of your expectations of blackness."

TGC, this was an opportunity. Praise God that you, and Gaye, are stepping into this conversation. I know it's hard to do that. I'm grateful that you do. But this was a very important opportunity, and you definitely missed it (and it's not just me calling it... check Twitter, Facebook, your own comment section). You know that you missed it. And it's OK. It's not the end of the world that you missed it. We all have been there or will be there soon. There is definitely Grace enough to repair the damage. 

My part in repairing that damage, as a Christian who loves Christ's Bride on both sides of this situation, is to speak into the (albeit unintentional) harm done by this article, and to try to bring to light the HUGE blindspots that this article perpetuated for white people. 

The best way I could think to do this was to flip the script. I copied the text of the full article below, and I simple changed out "white" for "black" and changed any other relevant details (for example, "dreads"). I hope that a white person can read this and begin to understand what it felt like for one of their black brothers or sisters to read this narrative. I also made some commentary alongside, based on the original text. It's in [brackets, italicized, and red.] 

My hope is that we all can read this with the eyes and ears of our brothers and sisters, and that we as white people can wake up to some of the long-ingrained, socially-acceptable sins that we are complicit in perpetuating. This is not meant to be a hurtful-for-the-sake-of-hurting indictment against TGC or Gaye Clark, but rather it is meant to be one step forward in this journey of repenting of our sins that divide us and stepping into our One-New-Man-ness in the body of Christ. 

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When God Sends Your Black Daughter a White Husband

For years I prayed for a young man I had yet to meet: my daughter’s husband. I asked the Lord to make him godly, kind, a great dad, and a good provider. I was proud of a wish list void of unrealistic expectations. After all, I knew not to ask for a college football quarterback who loved puppies, majored in nuclear rocket science, and wanted to take his expertise to the mission field. I was an open-minded mom.

But God called my bluff.

This black, 53-year-old mother hadn’t counted on God sending a Caucasian American with a Mullet named Glenn. [Notice how in the original article he is called by his race alone — not a man who is black, not a African-American man, but just “An African American with dreads.”]

Glenn came to Christ in college and served him passionately. He worked while attending classes and volunteered at church in an after-school program for suburban kids. He graduated and found a job as an application developer for Blue Cross and Blue Shield. I noticed he opened doors for my daughter, Anna, even at the grocery store.

Godly. Kind. Well on his way to being a great dad and a good provider. I could only smile at God’s plan and asked his forgiveness for my presumptions. Still, my impressive wish list for Anna’s husband paled in comparison to her own: “He loves Jesus, Mom. That’s it. That’s my wish list. Jesus lover.” Then a grin came across her face. “It’s really awesome he’s also cute, right?” Anna took a deep breath and with a sparkle in her eyes asked: “So, Mom, what do you think?” 

It wasn’t long ago that interracial marriage—particularly a white man like Glenn marrying a black girl like Anna—was considered the ultimate taboo in American black society.  (In fact, it was illegal in 16 states until 1967, when the Supreme Court ruled in Loving v. Virginia that race-based restrictions violated the Constitution’s Equal Protection Clause. Hence the film releasing this fall, Loving.) Though I never shared this prejudice, I never expected the issue to enter my life. [This is the old and tired comparison of “extreme” or overt racism to the smaller biases and micro-inequities of the post-civil-rights era. To say in the same breath that she doesn’t share these overt prejudices and then to admit that she never expected blackness to enter her life is contradictory. To expect that the “issue” of otherness will never disrupt your life is to perpetuate the stigma and oppression of that otherness. See also, prejudice. 

… And the thing is, we ALL have prejudice! I’m not expecting her (or myself!) not to have prejudices. But the tone of this article comes from a place of arrival. “I’ve freed myself from prejudice and you can too,” instead of mourning the systemic privilege and cultural biases that have driven divisions between races for so long and expressing a desire to grow more and more in the capacity to love others and otherness.]

To the parent like me who never envisioned her daughter in an interracial marriage, here are eight things to remember when your black daughter brings a white man home for dinner.

1. Remember your theology.

All ethnicities are made in the image of God, have one ancestor, and can trace their roots to the same parents, Adam and Eve.

As you pray for your daughter to choose well, pray for your eyes to see clearly, too. Glenn moved from being a white man to beloved son when I saw his true identity as an image bearer of God, a brother in Christ, and a fellow heir to God’s promises. [It’s so easy for white people to forget about their whiteness. For many many many years, whiteness has been the normalized race in American culture. White people have held the most power and wealth, historically. Therefore the average white person doesn’t often think about their race, because they are presented with a world in which they are the norm pretty much everywhere they go. 

This is not the case for any other race in America. For the author to say essentially that Glenn went (in her mind) from being a RACE to being a PERSON (do I even need to explain the dehumanizing problem there?), she is stripping him of his race in her mind. This is the “colorblindness” problem. A white person may not actually feel all that sad/offended/discouraged if you told them, “I don’t think of you as a white person,” because their whiteness has not had a major impact on their lives (as they have experienced it… although in truth it has had a MAJOR impact, called privilege). But for a black man like Glenn (especially a black man with locs), I’m 100% sure without even knowing him that his blackness has impacted his life for as long as he can remember. Therefore, to essentially say that she doesn’t see him or think of him as a black man, but rather as her son and in his “true identity,” is to refuse to see his actual life experiences, which have shaped him into the person he is today. 

To take his race away in one sentence is not only hurtful, it’s actually also not really theologically accurate (as her point 7 iterates). We are all image bearers, but that doesn’t mean we are all identical, and to negate any of our differences is to negate God’s handiwork. If you want to remember your theology, remember that God sovereignly made all races. Race isn’t something to “move past” and step into a “true identity” as God’s Image Bearer; rather, it is actually one part of being God’s Image Bearer. To move past it is to move past what God intentionally gave us.]

2. Remember to rejoice in all things. 

[So we all agree that this is a phrase used to give hope during trials, right? To give encouragement to someone who is carrying a heavy burden? Right? We don’t have to be reminded to rejoice in the happy things that we love. We have to be reminded to rejoice when things are HARD and SAD and DISAPPOINTING. For the author to phrase it in this way just perpetuates the privilege and stigma. 

Some alternatives for this subheading: Remember that God’s plan is always bigger and better than your plan and will result in Joy. Remember that following God will always bring Joy, in the moment when you realize that you didn’t want blackness in your family. Remember to admit in humility that disappointment comes from your making sinful idols of your own desires, and remember to be joyful to be trained in righteousness when God tears that idol down.] 

If your daughter has chosen a man who’s in Christ, and assuming there are no serious objections to their union, loving her well means not only permitting an interracial marriage but also celebrating it. My daughter’s question, “What do you think?” needed more than a tolerant shoulder shrug. She needed to know I loved Glenn too. I’m deeply grateful my daughter chose this particular man, and I try to tell him often. [OK she’s on point with the difference between tolerance and love. Good on ya, Gaye.]

3. Remember no Christian marriage is promised a trial-free life. 

[Again with the blackness as a burden… I get where she’s going, but the issue is how it’s presented. She has equated her black son-in-law with being a TRIAL, just by using this verbiage. How about: Remember that each marriage comes with unique challenges; just because interracial marriages have challenges doesn’t make them any different from any other marriage.]

One woman in church looked over at Anna and Glenn and gingerly asked, “Are they . . . dating?”

“Engaged!” I grinned and winked at them.

She gave a pained smile, and then sighed and shook her head. “It’s just . . . their future children. They have no idea what’s ahead of them!”

I nodded. “When Jim and I were married, we had no idea what was ahead of us either. I stopped believing the lie we could control our trials years ago.” [Again, she got there. This is a good analogy. And Praise God for using your daughter's marriage to sanctify your own perspective.]

John Piper said it well:

Christ does not call us to a prudent life, but to a God-centered, Christ-exalting, justice-advancing, counter-cultural, risk-taking life of love and courage. Will it be harder to be married to another race, and will it be harder for the kids? Maybe. Maybe not. But since when is that the way a Christian thinks? Life is hard. And the more you love, the harder it gets. [Truth bomb. Good word, Gaye.]

4. Remember to be patient with family members.

Calling Uncle Fred a bigot because he doesn’t want your daughter in an interracial marriage dehumanizes him and doesn’t help your daughter either. Lovingly bear with others’ fears, concerns, and objections while firmly supporting your daughter and son-in-law. Don’t cut naysayers off if they aren’t undermining the marriage. Pray for them. [........No, no, and no. And no. You definitely DO need to call him a bigot. Because that’s what he is. It's not name-calling, it's truth-telling. Yes, speak it in love, not in seeking vengeance or to cause him equal, retributive pain. But it doesn’t dehumanize Uncle Fred to call him a bigot. It dehumanizes him to ignore his rebellion against God. It dehumanizes him to pretend like everything is OK when it's not. It dehumanizes him to lie to him. It dehumanizes him to look at him and treat him in any way other than how God would. And God would sit with him, and talk with him, and then tell him he is a bigot, but that there is a well of living water from which he can drink and never thirst (after bigotry) again.]

5. Remember your daughter’s ultimate loyalty is not to you or your family, but to the Lord.

Several people asked Anna and Glenn, “Which world will you live in—white or black?” But it’s not his world, her world, or even our world.

Interracial marriage in Christ is not about the joining of two races and cultures into one. It’s not about a new ethnic heritage. [I don’t have the time or space to unpack this here, but suffice to say: Actually, that’s EXACTLY what it’s about, at least in part, in light of the gospel. Just read Ephesians 2:14-22 for some context.] It’s about unwavering allegiance to the one true God and all he may require of the couple as soldiers of Jesus. After all, Christians are “a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light” (1 Pet. 2:9). 

6. Remember the groom’s family.

Before the wedding I reached out to Glenn’s mom, Felicia. As we sat and talked about our children, we realized we have similar hopes and dreams for them. As we share a common bond, I’m hopeful Felicia can become a friend. [I don’t presume to know the author’s story, but I am curious how long Anna and Glenn have been engaged/married, and how long Gaye has had time to build a friendship with Felicia. Friendships across racial divides are incredibly important, especially within the body of Christ, and yes, because of our social and cultural history and environment, they sometimes require a lot more intentionality, personal sacrifice, and grace than same-race friendships. Her phrasing of this sentence leaves me with lots of questions—what does building this friendship look like? How has it been transformative of her perspective of all of God’s people? How did Felicia experience this same process? Did they talk about race and the unique challenges (not trials) that their children will face because of their races and our culture? Here would be a very interesting article to write. This is a topic I’d like to hear more on, a topic that I think would be really encouraging and helpful not ONLY for white people but for all Christians.]

How might Christ be honored if such relationships were being built alongside every interracial marriage? [He would be honored, indeed. Even more so if it didn’t require interracial marriages to make those friendship happen. But this is where we are as a culture. This is what it takes, sometimes. Glory to God for using all things to bring the Kingdom.]

7. Remember heaven’s demographics.

As Anna and Glenn stood before our pastor and joined their two lives into one, I realized their union was a foretaste of a glory yet to come: “After this I looked, and behold, a great multitude that no one could number, from every nation, from all tribes and peoples and languages, standing before the throne and before the Lamb, clothed in white robes” (Rev. 7:9).  [Maybe I cried a little. Because, Yes.]

8. Remember to die to your expectations. 

[Calling your prejudices and biases “expectations” instead of “idols” makes this whole issue far too soft. And that is why so many people are up in arms over this article. I really do want to be empathetic to the author’s journey. It’s obvious that she desires to be teachable before the Lord. But the consequences of racial division and racial bias won’t be healed when a couple of people say, “Oh, you weren’t what I expected, but that’s OK.” Healing and reconciliation comes from the Gospel, from repenting of how we have overtly or inwardly sinned against one other, how we have stripped others of their Imago Dei in our minds, and from asking God to renew our minds and hearts. Expectations is not the word to use here. It’s Sin. Call it Sin. We cannot move forward until we do.]

As a nervous young man sat in my living room, I handed him the ring my deceased husband gave me the day he asked me to marry him. With a lump in my throat, I swallowed hard and said, “Glenn, have a jeweler put it in a new setting and make it your own. It’s precious to me, but you and Anna are of far greater value than that.”

Far greater value indeed. 

Parents, teach your daughters early to choose well. Pray hard and often. Then trust her judgment to the sovereignty of God, and rejoice with her in the goodness of God. 

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So. 

Ya'll, I get it. It's really really really really hard to talk about this stuff without causing offense, or hurting someone, or making a blunder in phrasing. And I'm really glad that there are people willing to step up and make some of those blunders, because it means they're TRYING. Praise God. You're stepping in.  

But those blunders, even when unintentional, can cause real damage. This article reminded me why it is so important for us to keep talking. Keep building relationships. Keep learning. Keep listening. Especially white people.... keep listening. There was a time that I might have written an article not all that different from Gaye's. There was a time that I thought I really understood it all. But these past few years, God has humbled me, even humiliated me at times, to show me that the way forward is the Gospel alone: admitting our sin, repenting, and trusting His grace to make us one new man. 

This is hard and scary work, but yes, it is worth it. Let's learn from our missteps and rejoice in the work God has called us to, yes? OK. Good. I'm with you. Let's do this.